This blog had some fascinating things to share about the trauma.
After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. (source above)
As the side note, this could be something bad that happens to you. As you will know from my “about”, this also can come through a Traumatic Brain Injury.
Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a complex injury with a broad spectrum of symptoms and disabilities. (source)
Thankfully I received the best way to share the points that have sometimes been a slight disaster for me.
8. Love shows up in unexpected ways.
When the people you haven’t seen or spoken to for 7 to 10 years suddenly reach out and want to talk? I spring up in excitement, I haven’t spoken to, or seen, them in years!
To almost all of those people: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
It has been awesome with new personal projects, and obviously discussions, have been successfully moving forwards. I have had interesting interaction, and seen things I can adjust (to fix) for myself. People have shared I don’t need to fix it, and I don’t. They haven’t stepped over the line, they show that they understand my struggles.
To be honest, I use the term “fix” with a light heart with a grinning smile. I change things for myself that I actually want to. Going out of my way to stop sticking to rules others imposed on me, I am also an adult, I get to choose what will happen. I keep getting angry when I get treated badly, I’m slowly getting there in my effort to take that away, and never get angry again.
I have dreams and wishes. The above people have been amazing at helping me.
Take note, the point here is that it doesn’t completely help, I don’t hold grudges. On the other side of this, which is what made it the most important point. What was shared above was amazing, it is sharing this line “Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing”.
This is what has also hit the hardest, certain people have given me “love” to help with my healing. Saying “a step along the way to healing” is true, it just isn’t what certain people see in it. The only thing that is important, which they miss out on, is that certain people kept hinting at wanting to be the love of my life. Sure, it may have looked different to them, just understand that since I can’t completely control it I could only see a little bit from what I was receiving.
The first person didn’t realize I can’t deal with that, at all, ever. When I pointed it out how they were treating me, they blocked me, treated me horrendously (sending offensive, unfriendly messages). They have shown they now hate me with a passion. This was just from pointing out “you can’t treat me like that, please, I can’t control myself.”
The second distant friend, thankfully, stayed a distant friend. She understands the fact that I, unfortunately, need to draw a line (or three) to have some self-control. I bow to you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. No fights, no arguments, no ill-treatment. You listened to what I pointed out, which was my emotional struggle, said sorry, and now if we wanted to talk again it would be alright. I am grateful for how you saw what I shared and then accepted it as you understand me.
The first line is a good quote for me to share whenever we talk about these things, “I wasn’t really expecting painful things to happen to me”.
3. Healing is seasonal, not linear.
On that note, one of the other things that people never understand is the fact that this isn’t a straight-line journey.
Don’t get me wrong, harsh is likely the completely incorrect word to describe this, to be honest. What was shared is that people always expect something to be simple, easy to understand, easy to achieve.
When people have experienced this for themselves they understand, that was the line between the two stories shared above for point 8. The first person only expected me to be perfect, do perfect things, say perfect things. The second person literally knows the fact that the journey isn’t completely there. I stumble forwards, then accidentally move backwards, then accidentally go a completely different direction. The destination is always the same, I just can’t use the path that other people see directly.
As you can no doubt tell, I wouldn’t really use a figure 8 to describe my path. I have constantly gone through thick, and thin, to get to my final destination. I am getting there, it isn’t just to do with the emotions above. With what I have learned from last year, I need to take the “unfortunate” gap year or two. When my doctors and psychologists heard I wanted to go back to university they pointed out I may need to wait a year or two more. Their effective word “may”.
They held my back as I wanted to go back so soon, therefore, I applaud them. They assisted me constantly, it’s understandable. You can tell when someone knows exactly what the pathway can look like. Thanks to them for understanding it isn’t a straight journey like I thought it was, they knew it would be a slightly adjusted path. I have finally learned that for myself, I can also see why they didn’t just force me to stop and wait. I needed to see my dangerous pathway for myself.
Similarly, thanks to the dean of Science at Rhodes. He has stepped forwards to help me constantly since going back. There are times when my year, unfortunately, nearly ended. He has, theoretically, stood up, pointed out he is trying his best to help me, has seen and understood my path isn’t a straight line. I can’t wait to see him again soon, I offer my hand in thanks. Even though it will be a gap year for me, I will still talk to him as he is offering things for me to try to bring back my studies. I will be slowly learning that from home, I can’t deal with the stress of the university life again too soon.
To the people that have been offering a helping hand, I salute you. Certain people have unfortunately tried to control me, that’s not a good thing to even try to do. I can’t always ask for help, but those that have been helping me just see I am struggling, then they step in to help fix the electric wiring (insert joke about the theoretical electronics). At completion, they step back and even share they didn’t even do anything. People like you have been helping me repair my pathway, getting closer to the actual destination.
Other Notes
Essentially, those are the two main points worth sharing. The article shares several other points that hit hard.
On the bonus side, the first book I enjoyed reading (shared in an older post) had good points for me to look at for recovery. The second book did the same thing for me, for procrastination. They are shared in 2018’s end credits. I have read several articles and journals over the last 2 years, this happens to be the first one that is worth sharing.
The very final note happens to be shared in their point 7. If I share my struggles with you, I trust you. Sure, this post is public on the internet, however, I have started to look at a new (better) direction for my path forwards. We should be allowed to move through our stories, we accept that part of that story happens to be struggles, sharing it just happens to help us move towards the end of the race.
