Living With My Disability

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I’ve been different from others over the last, near, 6 years. It’s difficult, my disability regularly has other people always forgetting I have my problems.

1. Fake Not Having It

I hide my disability from others. Not so they don’t know I have it, I try to remind them what I can handle. I only hide it more to try, and prove, I’m trying my absolute best to be a better man again. Especially for them.

It’s a harsh world where every day I need to try prove to others I am more than my disability. It’s a difficult challenge to, every day, have to show off my skills, and talents. It took me years to renew my knowledge from the past, again, as if I didn’t have knowledge in the past. The problem, for me, lies in the fact I have to go through every day with people hitting my troubled zones by accident every few minutes.

My problem is that my damage lies primarily in my Frontal Lobes. What people never understand is that this affects my planning, and self-control, so when I become tired I lose control of myself. This is worsened since my brain has to work harder all day, every day, even for simple tasks. I won’t even notice when I get pushed past the end of the time where I have my self control because I can’t give up pleasing others.

I get away with faking not having my disability 99% of the time, every day. I recently learned the hard way I have to put my foot down a little more so others wont forget I’m faking not having constant problems all day, every day. I despise my problem, all I ask is that others hear me, whenever I share it a little.

2. Set Priorities

I should, probably, set limits everywhere. I grew up as a people pleaser. I love helping others get smiles on their faces, I love solving their problems for them, I love patting myself on the pack since I can still help others. Ignore what I shared above in 1, please, helping others isn’t a problem. I learned from my late father, and my mothers, that it doesn’t matter what has to be done, it just feels amazing when I get to help others.

My odd knowledge I managed to get back into my brain, which took me multiple hours a day over a few years, helped me in my new job. I managed to help pick a project up to release, we now have clients excited for the services we offer. This isn’t to pat my back at all, no. What makes me happy is the fact I managed to help them get the project to release.

I believe the new way I have to stick to my love of helping others, while troublesome for others, is I need to pace myself more. If I can work out how to structure the excessive list of things I want to do for others I might be able to get a better grasp of where to put everything. I want to stick to my life’s rule I learned at a young age, through my religion:

And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Hebrews 13:16

I’ve tried my best to stick to this every living moment of every day, even when it’s difficult for me. I despise that my injury has pushed me so far from this belief, but I promise I’m trying my best to stick to it. If I can organize and set my priorities to stick to things far from my personal limits that come from my disability, I might be able to be seen by others as less of a problem again.

3. Improve My ‘Problem Solving’ And ‘Emotional Regulation’

A new rule I’m going to follow from now on may seem harsh to others. I’m going to set myself to look up more. I might be capable of solving more problems than people every realize, it’s just possibly in the oddest way possible. The mind is a map of thoughts, emotions, and responses, that has new paths created every day.

It isn’t something that can ‘just be understood‘ easily. Almost every day, without thinking about it, I can offer a solution to a problem that nobody else even thought of. It might not be the best solution, my brain just wants to take the path of least resistance to solve ANY problem. It might not be the best solution to the problem, it’s just my brain loves to fix things, rather than break them.

The prefrontal cortex, where the damage is primarily, handles decision-making, problem-solving, intelligence, and most importantly, emotional regulation. I’ve learned, the hardest way possible, to be extra careful when it comes to my emotions. Over 2 years ago I took the most brutal treatment I’ve ever received, this is why my fight or flight response was hit.

In the future I will have to not hint at something, such as ‘I have to get enough sleep every night,’ but rather solve my problem by declining my involvement with family, and friends, when it’s outside my safety zone. As you can tell above, I’m saddened, and will never like it.

The only way I might be able to change it is reading, and looking up, way more. This is to share I have actively given it care for the last 6 years, it just hasn’t even been enough yet. While I’m attempting to regulate my emotions and solve problems, it might take a long time to become fixed. I know some people don’t appreciate the effort that is made every day, rather, they prefer to only ever see results.

Afterthoughts

I’m in need of therapy again, and I will go. Everyone recommends it’s a good thing for a couple to go to, but I will never force it on anyone. If people want to go with me to therapy to help me, I will organize that they can when it’s within reason.

I might be difficult to ever understand, as a whole. The only thing I ask for is to be heard, I’m never joking about it. My apologies to those I offended.

Please be friendly, like the young bird was (me, bird, 2020/02/05)